BROKEN SMILE.

2012-02-01T16:14:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Proper
Listening to: Down by Kutless

Conventions should be broken more frequently. That way, people would realise that there aren't any rules set in stone when it comes to life and living - it's different for everyone.

Just because some person a long time ago decided everyone should follow a convenient set of steps, doesn't mean you absolutely have to. You will not die horribly unhappy if you don't and goddammit if I have revealed myself to be as self-righteous as I really am. :D

Some ideas I propose more people should challenge:

People can be perfect for each other, but marriage isn't for everyone. If you are perfectly fine making that kind of commitment, then that is great - but don't expect every other person to want to do the same thing.
Not everyone needs to become a parent to find purpose in life. Having a child is a huge responsibility, and it is something that should change your life forever - but some people just aren't designed to be parents.
It's okay to not masturbate. I don't get why the media continue to emphasise how normal it is to touch yourself, but fail to provide any support for the idea that it is equally natural not to.

In a similar vein, not everyone will agree that being unconventional is advantageous. And that's cool, too (although much less so, for obvious reasons (such as, I said so)).

Just keep in mind, a lot of these customs have been around for years and years. And although the status quo may suggest success, it doesn't exactly mean progress.

2012-01-19T10:06:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Invalid
Listening to: A World So Cold by Mudvayne

It was magic while it lasted.

It is not your fault.

2012-01-11T14:02:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Nondescript

It appears I have reached a new level in the colourful relationship I have with my grandmother.

Last night, I went to bed the earliest I've gone to bed in ages. I was determined to give myself a good night's rest, and I was pretty confident nothing would get in the way of that. I would get 7 and a half hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I'd have time to eat breakfast, drink a cup of coffee, scan some important documents, and maybe even put the washing on the line.

But as fate would have it, of course that wasn't going to happen.

Instead, I was rudely awakened at 3 in the morning by a very livid (and very mobile - looks like her hip has healed nicely) grandmother armed with a hard, plastic hanger, shouting angry words at me while she attempted to beat me to death.

I did not realise there was a need to lock my bedroom door at night. Now, I know. Now, my head, arms and legs all know - for a story she created in her mind.

The real sad thing is that I have no fucking clue who this Madam Teo is. Who is the lady who raised my mum and taught music lessons at Chung Hwa Middle School?

I'm almost certain there is way more to her than this all-consuming illness, but I'm sorry to say I only know the person I live with as a crazy old woman who has more hostile tendencies than friendly ones.

I guess this is one of the downsides of living with an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic prone to aggressive behaviour.

2012-01-05T16:32:00.003+08:00

Listening to: As Much As I Ever Could by City And Colour

A glimmer of hope in a dark, dark world: GOGOGO!

I really believe in these type of movements. This is the kind of stuff I want to do. The reason I want to go to the University of Amsterdam to study Communication Science with a focus on Youth and the Media.

The best thing about Men Can Stop Rape, though, is that they are targeting a problem I hold very near and dear to my heart.

So much so that I wanted to donate some money, but they only take online donations from a limited number of countries. :[ I'll have to think of some other way.

If I could hug them, I would. I would hold the whole goddamn beautiful non-profit organisation in my arms and hug the hell out of it.

2012-01-04T15:38:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Destructive
Listening to: Forgive Me by City And Colour

It would be much easier to rip out the motherboard completely in one go than to carefully try to get it out with the tiny little screwdriver I'm holding.

See, I've been known to fall in love. But sometimes love just is not enough.

Is it really possible to destroy someone's life? Can the harsh choices made by a single person be to blame for the vast misfortune of another? Does the responsibility lie in the way the harmer* harmed or the way the harmee** handled it?

* Yes, according to Oxford and Webster, I made this word up.
** I made this one up, too.

2012-01-03T10:16:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Uncertain

A message for the people of 2012:

Relax, loosen up, and just let yourself be happy.

Have a fantastic new year, and for your own sake...

Chill the fuck out.

2011-12-23T11:05:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: All Hands On Deck, Part 2: Open Water by Funeral For A Friend

Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Blinded by this light,
it is all that surrounds me.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Showing teeth, bearing fever, lost in open water
until they find, find us all lost with all the shipwreck.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control. Am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone, too far gone to be saved?

Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control.
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again, we lost control.
And I lost control.

2011-12-21T16:22:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Pensive
Listening to: When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland

It's a multiple-entry quiz competition, and some people have submitted a really large number of responses.

The problem is that they're wrong.

So, despite the huge amount of effort they have put in - regardless of the confidence and hope they clung to - they don't even stand a chance to be part of the lucky draw.

They went into this with all the wrong answers right from the start. They put in everything they could to get their hands on something called a "prize". They wait patiently to learn their fate. But they were never in the running.

This sounds suspiciously symbolic of something profound, or maybe of nothing at all.

2011-12-20T11:10:00.003+08:00

I've got to keep moving lest my heart should stop for I will surely die.

2011-12-17T11:53:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Fuddled
Listening to: Love Is A Fast Song by Copeland

How strange. The moment your body reacts in a real, physical way, so does mine.

Does anyone ever know what they're doing?

Today's theme is: Defining oneself.

2011-12-10T10:10:00.004+08:00

I keep trying to justify my decision, but the reasons that seemed so persuasive not long ago only seem to be hollow and meaningless now.

Too serious, not serious enough. Idealistic, delusional, stupid, childish, complicated, easy, perfect, minute, stupid, inadequate, overwhelming. Selfish. Stupid.

Premature.

I don't know anything. I thought it was growing up, learning, evolving. But I'm beginning to think that doesn't happen. People don't grow up. They don't learn or evolve. They go around in circles, laughing as they slowly die from the inside out.

A joke.

A fucked up joke with no punchline and all the joyless tears in the world.

Things fall apart.

But do they come back together again?

You are so fucking beautiful.

2011-12-06T17:50:00.004+08:00

Every breath that I exhale is a sigh. Every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.

How sad.

And this is what your life has been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.

How sad when the strings have been removed from the blinds, and all the outlets have been painted over, and the television screen is streaked with blood and smeared from your knuckles as if you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated the strength or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.

Startled by a knock at the door, you arise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement:

"Hello, my first name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again."

Hello, my name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

2011-12-06T17:45:00.002+08:00

Oh, lord. This is painful. AsdoOsNFOiWMLekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I cannot watch.

But I have to. :[

Why am I so naïve?

2011-12-05T15:33:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Gross
Listening to: Sacrifice by Dreamwalk

Everything is falling apart today. :/

Is that just what things do, or does a change need to be made?

2011-11-21T22:08:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Knotted
Listening to: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I suppose it had been building up, but it still took us by surprise and the children were running away in fear as obscenities in various languages were yelled and strange accusations were made (e.g. It seems I have stolen 1,110 cartons of milk and given them to my friends who live behind the house).

My grandmother reached her breaking point yesterday and it is now back to our old ways of hiding behind locked doors and avoiding eye contact. And listening to her shout angry words back and forth at herself.

We may need to reconsider her medication, or at least figure out some way to calm her down.

I suggested spiking her drinks with some booze. That seems to work in the movies, and movies are like so realistic, okay. :]

2011-11-09T11:05:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Eager
Listening to: Do You Know What I'm Seeing? by Panic! At The Disco

In a very particular order:

Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Amsterdam, Netherlands
Master of Arts in Media Studies at the University of Copenhagen, Denmark
Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Helsinki, Finland
Master of Science in Media & Communication at Uppsala University, Sweden
Master of Arts in Media & Communication Studies at Stockholm University, Sweden
Master of Arts in Media & Journalism / Master of Science in Sociology of Culture, Media & Arts at Erasmus University Rotterdam, Netherlands

I know it's sad that I never gave a damn about the weather and it never gave a damn about me.

2011-10-26T16:19:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Rage

Seriously, what the fuck?!

Since when is posting a picture of a bloody, mangled body hanging out of the window of a beat up car that you just saw by the side of the road on fucking Facebook of all places okay, much less compassionate?

Arrogantly attaching a half-hearted "Condolences to the family" with it just makes it worse, especially when you didn't even have the decency to censor the license plate in any way. You probably don't even know them!

Just be honest with yourself. Go ahead and make a spectacle out of someone else's misfortune because you are a sick son of a bitch, but don't dare to pretend it's because you care about the victim or their family.

These Facebook users who have lost touch with the ways of the world because they're too busy wandering around in cyberspace are kind of really starting to piss me off.

2011-10-20T15:27:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Blargh

Thank you, Senior Academic, for answering my desperate and anxious call. Just wish it wasn't with an elongated "NO... Bitch."

Less than half a mark, man. Half a single colourful froot-loopy mark.

My face is going to look like this for a while, complete with two beads of sweat suspensefully waiting by the corner of my left eye: -_-"

2011-10-18T22:29:00.003+08:00

"It is not for you to decide what happens here." - Green Zone

I watched Green Zone tonight, and this line was just so powerful, especially in its context. It speaks so much to me. I'm just not exactly sure what it's saying.

2011-10-17T20:57:00.002+08:00

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Somebody please tell me the result of my appeal already! *Squeals.

2011-10-13T22:08:00.003+08:00

Questions to ask yourself:

If a black man is racist, is it okay - when it's a white man's racism that made him that way?
If psychopathy is a natural occurence, and a psychopath causes enough trauma to mentally disturb someone else into psychopathy, who's fault is it?
If paedophilia is a (let's say) "mutation" of one's sexuality - in that it doesn't happen on purpose, i.e. it's not their fault - why don't paedophiles get sympathy?

Now, the final question: Is placing blame really as important as we make it out to be?

Sometimes, the lines just aren't clear enough. Then, what?

2011-10-11T14:08:00.005+08:00

My grandmother has wrinkles on her face and on her hands and in places I can only imagine. She walks rather slowly now, ever since she fell over and broke her hip. They had to put a metal joint-replacer in, and at the end of the operation, the doctors gave us her bone in a pickle jar.

During the first few weeks of the month-long hospital stay, she used to look so tired. And so bored. And so fed up with the trudge of this life that is way too long and cruel.

But I think she's happier now. It took a broken bone to get all of her children to see her, but I think she liked seeing them all getting along and being together again. She eats at the dinner table with us now, and with people I haven't seen in years.

It used to be unheard of because she said the food was poisoned, so she'd lock herself in her room for days at a time. And then she'd carry herself out again and sit at the kitchen table talking to herself for three days straight.

She used to chase me around the house and hit me with sticks when her schizophrenia kicked in and I was her granddaughter, but a thief as well. A thief who would beat her up and kill various cousins and marry bishop's sons. I had to lock my bedroom door and hold the knob still so she couldn't get in and stab me with her keys.

She used to carry a bunch of keys with her all the time. She'd pin them to her clothes and when she walked, you could hear the shuffle of her feet with the subtle jingle of keys.

It got so bad at one point, I had to break the bars off my window to leave the house because I had a flight to catch. My brother helped push me through the window and I walked away satisfied and relieved.

But she has her good days, too, and the paranoia only got really bad in the last five years or so. She used to pick me up from school before she scared herself out of driving by crashing into a parked car.

But that's a tale for another time. I just wish I knew what she's seen behind those tired eyes.

2011-10-07T15:55:00.000+08:00

I sound so pissed off in my last two posts. Hahahaha.

That's probably because I was. :]

2011-10-06T14:53:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, I asked you to read this post on 'rape culture' by Melissa McEwan. But I think a lot of you didn't quite know what she meant.

I stumbled across this phrase yesterday and I believe it explains her thoughts (or my interpretation of her thoughts) quite nicely:

We live in a society that teaches "Don't get raped" instead of "Don't rape".

This is problematic because rape shouldn't be considered a naturally-occuring phenomenon that we have to accept, that there is no stopping; we shouldn't have to worry about where we walk and how and when and with whom; nobody should live in constant fear of what pervert may be lurking around the corner.

You may be thinking, "But girls should learn to not wear such short skirts and cleavagey tops and walk alone at night." No. Rapists should learn that no means no, and that nothing anyone can ever do is an invitation to rape them.

Pick up this goddamn mess and deal with the fucking problem.

2011-10-04T12:07:00.003+08:00

Listening to: We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab For Cutie

Why are people such selfish little pricks incapable of seeing the larger consequences of their actions?

I don't understand anymore!

2011-10-01T12:09:00.001+08:00

Feeling: Impatient
Listening to: The chug of the printing presses

Dear Miss Coventry,

I can confirm that we have received the decision of the Senior Academic in relation to your appeal and that we are due to send you a letter to confirm what the decision was. Unfortunately, I cannot give an indication of when you will be sent the letter other than it will be as soon as possible.

Why are they being so secretive? Why won't they tell me? I need to knowwwwww.

*Gasps.

Lunch time.

2011-09-30T11:39:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Blackbirds by Erin McKeown

Loving a robot. A beautiful robot.

You've got me choking back tears while you try to oil your rusty parts.

2011-09-22T11:33:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Sick

When something tragic happens to a friend, a relative, or even just an acquaintance, why do some people think that a Facebook wall post is an adequate way of expressing their supposed compassion? Because it sure seems like these kind of posts offering condolences only exist for show - as if you win a prize for being the first person to post and being the first to tell the story to stalker-friendly Facebook.

The thing is, an equally, if not more, meaningful message could have been conveyed privately (that is what the inbox is for, you know), and then you wouldn't have to worry about what other wall-passers may think (which I'm sure is a huge influence on how our wall posts turn out). Plus, I'm pretty sure if the affected wanted everyone on the internet to know about the vulnerable state s/he is currently in, s/he would have posted it on Facebook themselves.

If you really want to let a loved one know you are sorry about their loss, why don't you take the god damn time out of your freakishly busy life to write them an intimate, personal message that shows you really care?

A wall post on Facebook is just too convenient.

2011-09-17T11:23:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Boa by Pegasus Bridge

I guess I've been rather busy since I arrived in Brunei, but it's been nice, for the most part.

I basically lived at the hospital for a month because my infamous grandmother fell over and broke her hip (she finally came home).
She's been officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and is now mostly immobile but still kinda loopy (she called my aunt a hornbill last night, it was really funny but I think you had to be there).
I had a job interview with QAF Holdings which progressed into a second job interview with Brunei Press (after which they hired me, of course).
And also spent two nights at Merarap Hot Springs (we had to take the coach back to Brunei from Lawas because the ferry wasn't working!).
Was forced to roam the untamed Bruneian jungle against my will for a total of about 12 hours (including in the rain, while lost, and in pain).
Babysat, babysat, babysat and babysat my naughty but too cute nieces (this can be really tiring and at times, frustrating).
Been called "Mummy", "Mum", "Kakak", and "Daddy" many times by little Tameera, but never "Aunty Sue" (she's so confused, I love it).
Went to my first day of work which I was extremely nervous about (I'm going to finish my second week today).
Until then, I helped my mum with her businessy things.
Made many attempts to take my nieces to the morning dentist (with success on the third try).
Watched my estranged family come together again in a beautiful way I didn't imagine could happen.
Ate lots of yummy food, and visited a decent but not extravagant number of houses for Aidilfitri (I made $10).
Tried desperately to close my HSBC account in the UK (it's really complicated and annoying, but they finally closed it on the 26th of August).
Had amazing, eye-opening conversations with people I love.

On top of that, my cousin is getting married today. I didn't make it to the wedding ceremony (because, you know, I'm a working lady now and stuff), but there's lunch and reception to look forward to. Plus the tea ceremony (Newlyweds are meant to give unmarried younger-thans red packets, so I better practice my tea-carrying skills).

I've still got lots to do though (GRE, university applications, fee-paying, license-taking, among others). So, although I can't guarantee a massive flow of steady updates, you know I always try. :]

2011-08-12T23:23:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Queasy
Listening to: Yoko by Pegasus Bridge

I am sad. I just found out Pegasus Bridge is breaking up, and I only discovered them last November, and their music is pretty, and this is just the poop on top of the big pile of crap the world appears to have turned into.

Is there no more hope left in the black abyss called life? Because this is looking suspiciously like the beginning of the apocalypse, and I'm not one to believe in such things, but I just don't see any good coming out of anything happening right now.

WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?

:/

This is not good. Not good at all.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

2011-07-18T07:36:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Anxious

I'm hand-delivering the Verification and Appeal form to Registry tomorrow, and I'm suddenly very nervous about it.

I hope this works. D:

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 14

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

2011-07-16T06:35:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Energised

You know what's messed up? Getting a 2:1 with 69.32. 0.18 marks off a rounded up First.

You know what else is messed up? Getting at least 2 points lower than you should get in a module because of lazy exchange programme conversions, especially when those 2 points would give you that 0.18 you're missing.

You know what else is messed up? I only have until Wednesday, but I am going to fight for this.

It matters, okay...?

Now, I have to go finish completing these Verification and Appeal forms, and hope to high heaven they find my argument persuasive (It is pretty darn persuasive).

And in case you're wondering, I am 21 years old now. I don't want to talk about it.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Submit Verification and Appeal form
(c) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

2011-06-21T21:40:00.006+08:00

I have many questions, but lately, I haven't been expressing them publicly because these are the kind of thoughts that will make people frown at you in disgust. They have a lot to do with horrible things happening that many of us desperately want to get rid of and the ineffective way in which they are being dealt with today, because it seems that rather than fixing all of these many, many fuck-ups, we deal with them after the fact. But why don't we prevent these things from occurring before there is even a need to cure it? It is completely possible.

So, I think it's time I invite others to ask these questions as well. And I think thinking is an important part of growing up and knowing yourself and being the best kind of human being you can be. And any society that limits the kind of thinking you can do is bound to be problematic.

Do you want to be the closest-to-perfection-possible version of yourself? Or are you too afraid to merely imagine it for fear of failure and being left with only hope?

Doesn't the world just make you so darn angry sometimes? Why the hell don't we do anything about it?

2011-06-12T11:56:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Cranky

I have a coach to catch in about 5 hours, which means I have to start walking in 4 hours, which means I need to eat and shower in 3 hours, which means I have less than 2 hours to pack my bag if I want to sneak in an hour of sleep.

Yet somehow, in spite of my lack of time, I have decided to use some of it to come say hi to my adoring fans - because I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

Just kidding. I don't have fans, much less ones that adore me. I'm only here because packing is kind of boring and I'm getting sleepy. *Yawns.

Just kidding. Of course I have fans, and if they were to have any kind of emotion towards me, it would definitely be adoration! And picking appropriate items for travel and putting them in a carry-able bag is fun!

Just kidding.

But maybe I'm not.

Who really knows anymore? I'm just so darn mysterious. WooOoooOOo~

2011-06-08T06:26:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Grey Matter by Finch

Man. I want to write an amazing entry that will justify why I have disappeared for two whole months without a word, but there really isn't anything amazing about it. I had lots of school work to do, and I was focussing on that. And you know what happens when I concentrate on doing what I'm supposed to - I mess up my sleeping schedule more times than I can keep track of, randomly decide 4 o'clock in the morning is a great time to cut off 2 inches of my hair, spontaneously buy tickets to Philadelphia for a few days later (I loved this decision, and my last day there was amazing ♥), and just general going-crazy-ness.

But that's over now. It's been over for 11 days, and now, I guess I am free of the responsibilities of a Cardiff University student (except for graduation which is in 42 days!). I can mess up my sleeping schedule all I like and buy more last minute tickets - without having to think about essays and studying and assignments! Excellent!

I will miss my Horror, Fantasy and the Media class though. *Wipes tear.

P.S. Did you notice I published some old drafts? ;] Have fun finding them.
P.P.S. Hint: They were written in March.

2011-04-01T06:42:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Hungry

Just got back from a spontaneous and half-price plus free EP Glassjaw and Napalm Death concert. My ears are still ringing. It was good. Daryl Palumbo has such stage presence.

I apparently don't learn from my mistakes because for the whole show, I was holding in my need to urinate (A similar occurrence happened at the Anberlin concert). I even had to reject the water they gave out at intermission despite my thirst for fear my bladder would burst.

I think I shall listen to Glassjaw for the rest of the week.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 15

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

2011-03-23T01:36:00.006+08:00

He was a troubled man, and he knew it. But it seemed the only problem he truly had was identifying what exactly was wrong. Why did he constantly feel like he had a hole in the middle of his chest? And why did it hurt so God damn much when the wind blew and tickled his insides like a knife?

He wished he knew.

And speaking of God, he wished he knew what that was too.

He didn't understand how people woke up in the morning with the will to keep on going. What was so precious about this empty abyss that they were so afraid of saying goodbye to? Oh, he had so many questions. But you'd never hear him ask them. He wasn't that type of person.

His type of person was the one that sits by your bedside as you slowly die, holding your hand, pretending to be strong for you when really, he was just jealous. He wanted to be in your position. He didn't see how you deserved what he'd searched for so fervently. You don't even want this. He, on the other hand, wanted - more than anything - the life sucked out of his fucking body. He wanted something to look forward to. But life had cursed him with health and a good genetic background.

"Fuck me," he thought as he turned off the light. "Lets hope it rains tomorrow."

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

2011-03-22T14:46:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Pumped
Listening to: The City Sleeps In Flames by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

This is our last chance to make things right. A world lost forever tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight.

Let's try to find a place to sleep, it's going on days that we've been awake. A sadness that I've never seen, I said your name and you looked the other way.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I have nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

The disconnecting count of days are fading away - the lives that we made. Tear drops will spill from your blue eyes. Intentions were wrong, I apologise. The empire is falling like they planned on, and we lost it all. The city sleeps in flames.

Lost time. Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? I can't find a way to live in this life.

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I've got nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, but I've got nothing left.

I like arranging lyrics as if they were stories. It's just the way I work, and they make more sense to me this way. :]

Anyway, I feel like this song encompasses how I feel at this very moment.

Also, I've never told you before, but every morning, the sun rises right outside my window, so I get the first rays of light coming through the curtains into my eyes. As an added bonus, when the moon is big and bright, it likes to sit in the same place outside my window.

The moon last night was beautiful.

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

2011-03-21T09:29:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Unreal

I am looking more and more like a zombie. *Stares at eye bags. After the next ten days, I may actually be dead.

OH, GODDD. D:

WHY DID MY BRAIN HAVE TO STOP WORKING?!

I need that to function... :[

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 4
Days remaining (c): 10

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-03-18T01:56:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Broken
Listening to: My life crumbling to the ground*

Salt and vinegar chips are divine. But eating them while your lips are chapped and bleeding hurts quite a bit.

Almost as much as the burn I got from the boiling water I just spilled on my little finger. :'[

The water was for the cup of tea I am now sipping. I used to think tea wasn't something to love because its taste is so faint, but now I think it is rather nice. *Sips tea.

I had a flat inspection today, and I tidied my room in no time at all by grabbing everything off the floor in one swift arm movement and dumping it in my closet. No one will ever know. Muahahahaha!

Fuck.

SNAP OUT OF IT, GOD DAMN IT! *Slaps self.

*Just kidding. It's not doing that, and if it was, I am unsure whether it would make a sound or not.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 7
Days remaining (c): 13

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-03-14T04:45:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Rotten

"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

'They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'" - Brain Droppings by George Carlin

Days remaining (a): 8
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-03-10T10:31:00.007+08:00

Feeling: Sore

Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault. - Rape Culture 101 by Melissa McEwan

You should read the rest of what she has to say. Please read it.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 14
Days remaining (c): 20

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-03-04T07:17:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Lost

Need to get back on track. I'm losing time. And my mind! D:

Days remaining (a): 21
Days remaining (b): 27

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-03-02T11:40:00.005+08:00

L'espirit de l'escalier {French}
-idiom

The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.

This happens to me all the freakin' time. :/

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT.*

Days remaining (a): 22
Days remaining (b): 28

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

*Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.

2011-02-28T07:07:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Calm
Listening to: Paris by Pegasus Bridge

I think I've chosen my essay for Horror, Fantasy and the Media. :]

Todorov and the idea of the fantastic seems to appeal to me and A Tale of Two Sisters.

Maybe.

But if I loved you, it'd be the worst thing I could ever do.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 24
Days remaining (c): 30

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #1
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

2011-02-27T03:06:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Trapped

Analyse the representation of monstrosity in any one horror text of your choice using a cognitive-aesthetic approach to horror (Carroll). Assess the uses and limits of this theoretical approach in relation to your chosen horror text.
Analyse the construction of the 'fantastic' in any one text of your choice (film/literature/TV) using Todorov's model. Assess the usefulness of this approach and consider its limitations in relation to your chosen text.
Analyse the appeal of any one horror text by using psychoanalytic approaches (Freud/Creed). Relate your chosen text to key psychoanalytic concepts (the uncanny and abjection), considering the uses and limits of these psychoanalytic theories of horror.
Analyse any 'horror' text produced for television, considering how and to what extent your chosen text fits into theoretical definitions of the horror genre. (If you are analysing a TV series, focus on selected episodes).
Analyse any 'horror' text (factual/fictional/mockumentary) that purports to represent true events. Drawing on relevant theoretical approaches, consider how important constructions of realism are when defining the horror genre, and discuss how convincing you find Noel Carroll's 'natural horror'/'art horror' distinction.

Think, Sue-Anne. Think.

2011-02-23T09:22:00.006+08:00

"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you." - Valerie in V for Vendetta

2011-02-23T08:46:00.004+08:00

That was ill-timed. I'm sorry.

This is bigger than me and my feelings. Lets go.

2011-02-23T06:31:00.004+08:00

Listening to: The clock ticking (It's always there, taking away time and giving none back, but only in the background)

I've always been the kind of person who could tell you something worth believing in about the world. Because amongst all the cruelty and horrors, I truly thought the world deserved someone to have hope in it. It was my favourite thing about Earth - that no matter how many terrible people there were, there were still lots of good people, too. I'd never ever seriously felt at any point before this that there was nothing worth living for.

I'd never had those feelings before, and it tore my insides apart.

Oh, World, why would you disappoint me like this? I've been your most faithful servant, and I had such great plans for you. Now, they're all fucked, and I don't care anymore. You're on your own. You've screwed me over one too many times, and this was the worst. I don't want to see what other things you are capable of. I don't want to see what else you have up your sleeve.

When someone asks "What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?" and you can't find an answer, does that mean you were wrong and basing your expectations on fantasies you made up in your head?

2011-02-22T19:46:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Dead

A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick.

2011-02-13T23:56:00.014+08:00

Feeling: Dead

These focus groups are going horribly wrong. If they could go anywhere when they're not even existing.

It appears the foot-in-the-door theory is inapplicable in this instance. *Wipes tear.

This looks like a job for...

A NEW APPROACH!
:D

(Think positive.)

2011-02-13T10:30:00.007+08:00

Feeling: Hopeless

Hypothetically speaking...

A while ago, after much contemplation about past events, I realised that I am drawn to people who are 'broken'. I enjoyed the prospect of fixing them, and this is what I frequently tried to do, probably in a vain attempt to make me feel better about myself (I HAVE A HEART, GAWSH. I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON), but no matter how hard I tried, I kept returning to where I started - I could not fix them! And it frustrated me. Why could I not have the power to make someone better? Why must I sit here unable to reach them as they flail their arms about madly?

I soon discovered the answer: I can't. And I don't think I'm supposed to. It was just unnecessary drama that I really could not deal with on top of my own complexes. So, I decided to try something different and began the search for someone who was 'normal' and 'together' - anyone who did not seem like they desperately needed someone to piece them back together. But every time I thought I'd found them, I soon realised they were just as 'broken' as the blatantly 'broken' people. We all are. We all have these stupid fucking destructive issues holding us back, whether we let it show at first glance or not. And I guess what I'm trying to say is: Although we can't completely fix each other, we can help push each of our 'broken' souls in the right direction (though 'right' is subjective). But that's it. The rest is up to them.

You cannot save everyone; some people have to save themselves.

2011-02-10T00:46:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Behind
Listening to: New Dress by Depeche Mode

Going through my questionnaire responses to find main themes. This one makes me laugh:

Their behaviours do not offend me as it is human nature to desire sexytime with others. Plus I am not a Conservative Christian mother. - 16, male

Fair enough, mah brotha. *Slaps back.

2011-02-08T10:21:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Gross

I don't know why I'm awake.

I got eight hours of sleep last night and made it to my 10:00AM lecture. I was sleepy at 2:30PM so I had a one hour nap in the library, and when I got home, I was still tired so I slept for three hours and woke up at 11:00PM. Now, it's 2:30AM and I have class at 10:00AM for which I have to finish reading this chapter about political public relations.

Also, I think I'm developing a sickness. *Sneezes. *Blows nose. *Drinks water. AASDFEfsefseFLSmefoisenf.

Damn you, curse of the conscience!

2011-02-02T03:57:00.007+08:00

Feeling: Stupid
Listening to: Bruised by Jack's Mannequin

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Cardiff University is holding a club night called 'Frat Party' where they will have beer pong, cheerleaders, red plastic cups and Jello shots.

Hahahahahahahaha.

British people pretending to be American is funny. I wonder if they do British parties in the States.

But seriously, I miss America and frat parties. *Sighs.

2011-02-01T03:23:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Hungry

Holy macaroni! In a matter of two and a half hours, I got nearly 200 responses. There were so many coming in at once, it was crazy and overwhelming and lovely. :D

In a completely (or not at all) unrelated change of topic, I love The Student Room.

2011-01-29T07:42:00.007+08:00

Feeling: Exhausted
Listening to: The Big Bang Theory by Barenaked Ladies

I am now desperate.

Hi, readers. *Dusts off cobwebs.

If you don't already know, I have decided to torture myself with the excruciating task of writing a 12,000 word dissertation on teen viewers' attitudes towards the sexual content on Skins. However, things have been going rather slowly, and deadlines are looming, and it's come to the point where I need your help. If you are 16-19 years old and watch Skins (UK as opposed to US), please consider taking my survey. If you know someone who matches this description, please consider directing them to my survey. It's a mere 10 questions long (or 12 if you count 'Age' and 'Gender' as questions), so it really will only take a few minutes. In case you didn't catch that, this is my survey.

Once I publish this, I'll add a counter to the sidebar over there -> to let you know how many responses I've gotten so far, and how many more I need (I do not have many at all). To try to make this a bit more fun than it sounds. :D 'Cause counting is fun. Ask Count von Count. He likes it.

Count von Count
If you help me, maaaaaaaaybe I'll start updating more frequently (ha ha). Or maaaaaaaybe I'll give you a hug. Actually, the hug is a given. If you get my survey answered, you will receive one hug. The more surveys, the more hugs! Talk about incentive! :D

2011-01-20T09:02:00.004+08:00

I've still got another week and a half until classes start, so I am trying to be productive. Trying.

...Anyway, I made a list. Of stuff.

Went to Berlin, without knowing any German.
Learned so much history and gained lots of respect for this little city.
Randomly stumbled onto the red carpet of the premiere for Morning Glory. It was so random. I did not know what was going on, but I got to see Harrison Ford and Rachel McAdams walk around and look pretty.
Ate as many kinds of sausages as I could. They are called 'wurst' in German, and they truly are yummy in your tummy.
Noticed the Germans enjoy consuming apple juice spritzers, muesli, and nuts.
Went to Paris, without knowing any French.
Did not like it as much as I liked Berlin.
Had the best croissant ever at the patisserie by our apartment.
Did not find any frog legs, caviar, or escargot on any menu. I was not sure if I wanted to try any, so it's okay.
Noticed the French enjoy consuming wine, cheese, and preserved duck.
Discovered this company called Sandeman's New Europe that does really good, free, English-speaking walking tours of some European cities (like Berlin and Paris).

2011-01-20T08:34:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Worn Out
Listening to: Dog Days Are Over by Florence And The Machine

It has been a while, internet. How are you? Don't answer that.

I have some things to say, so I made a list.

Just kidding. There is no list. I don't know how to put these thoughts into words. So. Um. Hi. *Waves.

I have been away in Ludlow, then London, then Cardiff, then Berlin, then Paris, then London, and now I'm back in Cardiff, only to disappear to London, then Barcelona, then London, then Cardiff in a couple of weeks. To be fair, I only go to London for the airport, so that doesn't really count, I guess.

I'll make that list in the next post. Maybe.

And I shall end things with a rather long quote from a TV show:

"It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in this lifetime is permanent." - Merideth Grey on Grey's Anatomy

Okay. I'm not done yet.

May I just say that 2010 was an eventful year for me. May 2011 be just as, if not more, amazing. For all of us. Come on, universe. :]

To be honest, I don't feel like posting. I want to disappear some more. It was clarifying. Oh, well. *Shrugs.

Also, here's a link to an article entitled 'Smoking "causes damage in minutes", US experts claim'. I thought it was interesting.

2010-12-17T13:09:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Delusional
Listening to: Hey Jude by The Beatles

I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now, and I think that means it was begging me to make a post about it.

Let's begin with some strangely presented lyrics:

Hey Jude,
Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude,
Don't be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders, for, well, you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude,
Don't let me down. You have found her, now go and get her. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better.

So, let it out and let it in. Hey, Jude, begin - you're waiting for someone to perform with. And don't you know that it's just you? Hey Jude, you'll do. The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude,
Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better.

Firstly, I see this song as a series of little letters to (a variety of) "Jude"(s), which is why I arranged the lyrics the way I did. And "Jude" can be anyone or anything and so can "she" (and neither have to be the same entity throughout the song as their identities seem to change constantly), because who said this song has to be about some guy gaining the courage to hit on a girl? And even if the Beatles did, that is irrelevant.

I think the most meaningful part of the song, and what signifies, to me at least, that this is more than sexual relations, is what I've put in bold, but especially this - "And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders." This is because, in my opinion, although it's important to realise our responsibilities, it's equally crucial to appreciate our limitations. So, even if your good heart wants you to, the whole world wasn't meant to be held up by only one person.

Oh, I sound so pretentious and self-righteous, but I really could not care any less right now because it is 5:20 in the morning and Hey Jude is too complex to be analysing at this time of day and it's snowing outside and I just had a double espresso mocha and I'm going to shower so I can't think straight but I've got work that I'm done with to hand in today, yay!

In light of this, from now on, I shall address Jude whenever I wish to speak to abstract beings such as life and mathematics.

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 25

(a) About Photographs Digital Story
(b) Writing with Light Assignment #2

2010-12-08T01:54:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Bloated
Listening to: Pain Redefined by Disturbed

I just remembered my first party at Penn where, for whatever reason, it was believed my name was Rachel. I hadn't ever met these people before, but I still couldn't win the argument that my name was, in fact, Sue-Anne.

"Um... Nooooo... Your name is Rachel."

That was a funny night.

Forgot about the countdown in the last post and I'm too lazy to fix it so I won't. Anyway, look at this:

Days remaining (a): 3
Days remaining (b): 6
Days remaining (c): 6
Days remaining (d): 6
Days remaining (e): 10
Days remaining (f): 35

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) About Photographs Digital Story
(f) Writing with Light Assignment #2

Deadline extensions are, like, so cool! :D

2010-12-04T22:37:00.005+08:00

Feeling: Crazy
Listening to: Better Than Anything Else by The Sleeping

"They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up." - Pastor Martin Niemöller

2010-11-22T08:22:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Uneasy
Listening to: Autobahn by Anberlin

Where did the weekend go?

Days remaining (a): 18
Days remaining (b): 21
Days remaining (c): 21
Days remaining (d): 21
Days remaining (e): 24
Days remaining (f): 25

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(f) About Photographs Digital Story

2010-11-20T10:12:00.008+08:00

Feeling: Really good
Listening to: Closer by Anberlin

Anberlin were just amazing. They are so good live. *Drools. And so tall and skinny.

Pegasus Bridge, one of their support acts were also really good. Not so tall and skinny. Listen to them. Right now. But only if you like music.

Despite the cold, and the rugby fans, and the lack of bus services, and the closed roads, and the traffic jams, and the crowded streets, and the taxi driver that ripped me off, it's been a good night. :]

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 23
Days remaining (c): 23
Days remaining (d): 23
Days remaining (e): 26
Days remaining (f): 28

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(f) About Photographs Digital Story

2010-11-19T09:25:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Awesome
Listening to: Godspeed by Anberlin

More of those random thoughts I've had:

My banana peeled itself in my bag. Now, my bag is covered in banana.
I guess people really can be who you don't think they are.
"I asked myself one hundred times why. Why did we even bother? Why did we even try?" - Hit the Lights
I am really starting to feel the pressure now, and the thing is, I don't know if I have it in me to fight anymore.
Accidentally bid GBP50 on an eBay item. Hahahahahahaha. :| (Don't worry, I fixed it)
I seriously believe most people at this university think I'm a comeplete dumbass.

Anberlin have a new album out. So, they're on tour. And I'm going to go see them tomorrow night. :D <- This face cannot even slightly describe how excited I am, especially after a really horrible series of weeks. It's just... So... I'm going to listen to Anberlin non-stop for, at least, the next 24 hours.

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 21
Days remaining (c): 24
Days remaining (d): 24
Days remaining (e): 24
Days remaining (f): 27
Days remaining (g): 29

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Literature Review
(b) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(e) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(f) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(g) About Photographs Digital Story

2010-11-08T00:44:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Pissed Off
Listening to: *Fin by Anberlin

Random thoughts I have had since my last post, not really in any kind of order:

I like Albert Einstein. He was a sweetie. :]
I am eating Chili Heatwave Doritos. The loud crunching noise in my head is deafening.
Got to stop having emotional breakdowns in public places.
"You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine." - Taking Back Sunday
I wish I knew how to speak more languages.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? But I don't.
Maybe wondering where my life went?
I didn't even fully understand what it was. :/
And I don't remember a thing about it, just that after it was gone, I decided there was nothing left for me to lose.
I hate it, but I need to get over it, right?
So, I wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently. When would I have made this choice myself? What kind of person would I be today?
And I will look at her and say, "Oh, my baby..." Then, hold her in my arms and wonder whether a child should know such things.
We are the perfect mix of awkward.
Help me.
"One day, we'll get out of this shitty apartment. One day is all it takes." - Meiko
Let's listen to some Malay songs.
:]
Seriously. I have got to find a way to let this all go. It has been too long.
People are shit.

2010-10-25T22:08:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Dead

I hate British public transportation on Christmas Day.

P.S. Everything keeps going wrong.

2010-10-24T09:14:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Dumb

Last night, I woke up with really cold feet. So, today, I decided it was time to turn the heater on. Now, my room is so warm, my stash of chocolates is melting. They taste better this way. :]

P.S. I hope some kind stranger will eventually see the good in me.

2010-10-23T08:27:00.003+08:00

Why?

2010-10-17T07:04:00.003+08:00

Broken Smile has not had a new layout in the longest time. Too bad I'm too busy to fix it now. :]

2010-10-14T06:53:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Dead

When I decided to do a dissertation this year, I forgot how hard it is to write a 12,000 word essay.

I am doomed.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

I'll let you know when it's okay to come out from hiding.

2010-10-09T07:05:00.002+08:00

"I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty." - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

2010-10-08T06:45:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: Archer's Bows Are Broken by Brand New

I find it a terribly strange and sad phenomenon to realise that the people who were your friends at one point or another have stopped being friends with you. And nothing really caused it's termination, per se. It just ended.

Sometimes, I just think about the pity of a situation it is to find myself here and them there, but other times, the temptation to rekindle that friendship completely overwhelms me.

Only rarely does it ever return to its once splendid state. And this is the sad part.

Sleepy thoughts as I look through new pictures of old friends.

2010-10-07T04:59:00.005+08:00

Also!

I need to find an interesting stranger with lots of photographs to become friends with and get to know so I can make a two-minute video about them in true stalker fashion.

Know someone who matches this description?

Call now on 0800-I-KNOW-A-STRANGER!

2010-10-07T04:51:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Motivated

I understand how some of you may be concerned about my wellbeing. So, here is my timetable for this semester (although I'm not sure how it will help):

Monday:
09:00-10:50 | Writing with Light | Bute 0.53
17:00-19:00 | Spanish Language A | Centre for Lifelong Learning M1.05

Tuesday:
11:10-12:30 | About Photographs | Bute 0.35

Wednesday:
09:00-10:30 | About Photographs workshop | Bute 0.35

Thursday:
10:00-10:50 | Writing with Light seminar | Bute 0.53

Friday:
14:10-15:00 | Dissertation | Bute 1.20

And in the spirit of residing in Britain...

Cheers.

2010-10-05T06:01:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Unaccomplished
Listening to: You To Me Are Everything by Real Thing

I started this list in June, but although it is already October, I would have probably still left this as a draft until January or something, if only I hadn't been reminded how much I miss the place people so affectionately call Penn.

So, this is what 6 months in the States has let me experience for the first time:

Taco Bell
Jambalaya
Greek food
Icee
In-N-Out
Cycling across the Golden Gate Bridge
Running through a fountain in the cold rain
Spending a week living on a couch in the basement of a frat house
Getting trapped in a stairwell of a hotel
Spending way too much time and money in one singular bar
Drinking illegally after drinking legally for a couple of years without going back in time
Getting high fived by a moving motorcyclist
Experiencing a snow storm
Seeing Scary Kids Scaring Kids live on their final tour
Seeing and meeting Copeland on their final tour, along with Person L, and I Can Make a Mess like Nobody's Business
Going to a frat party
Playing beer pong
Becoming a parent to five fish
Becoming a grandparent to many, many fish
Having a guest lecture by one of the creators of Spongebob Squarepants
Meeting Brian Graden, the man who helped produce South Park
Mountain Dew
Twizzlers
Having amazing professors, including Joan Garry
Going to Philadelphia, New York City, Boston, Montréal, San Francisco, Seattle and Washington, D.C.
Watching a gay parade
Developing a new appreciation and understanding about so many different kinds of people and ideas
Learning more about myself and who I am

You did good, America. Too bad that visa thing you gave me expired and I had to return to my own country.

Now you've got the best of me, come on and take the rest of me.

2010-09-24T16:46:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Set The Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. :D

I've been very busy, and amongst all the hustle and bustle, I somehow ended up back in DA YOU KAY (Although I am now in the land of shamrocks and leprechauns). So, like, I'll give you that list I promised... Soon. Really. I will.

But other than that, this song really gets to me for some reason. Could be the gentle harmony of all the instruments and vocals coming together, or maybe it is slowly hypnotising me so that I do its bidding. You should listen to it if you feel like calming your heart down or just taking a deep breath.

Miles from where you are. I lay down on the cold ground, and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

2010-08-14T21:05:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Broken

It was so tiny. No bigger than my hand.

I shall call you January.

January, you were too eager, and this world is awfully cold.

Mr. January.

♥

2010-08-14T00:43:00.002+08:00

Feeling: Deserted

I am homeless yet again, but this time, there are no couches or basements or frat houses to take pity on me. Whatever shall I do? D:

2010-08-10T16:51:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Joyful
Listening to: Revolution by The Beatles

The other night, I couldn't sleep after lying in bed for an hour, trying to. So, I wrote a story about a Mr. Dinosaur, though I think I'm going to rename him Mr. Elephant because my brain just wants to. Perhaps one day, you too shall know of his adventures, but for today, I am wearing a shoelace in my hair because I couldn't find my headband this morning.

You say you want a revolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world. You tell me that it's evolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world. But when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out.

2010-08-07T02:28:00.001+08:00

Where the fuck is that fine line between self-pity and awareness?

2010-07-19T23:35:00.002+08:00

My left eye has been twitching all day. I think it is trying to escape and projectile itself out of the socket in my skull. Should be interesting.

2010-07-19T02:18:00.002+08:00

But I don't know what is going to happen.

Life. Oh, life.

2010-07-16T09:55:00.003+08:00

What is wrong with language today? What does the greatest person of all time think? Does it even matter? Who knows?

Find out now by going to the following link:

I mean, wait, there it was - hidden suspiciously well in the previous sentence.

Halll, raiiiiiyeet.

2010-07-09T01:16:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Engaged

The current diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia, and I take pride in knowing I can spell that correctly without looking it up.

"Life's greatest comfort is being able to look over your shoulder and see people worse off, waiting in line behind you." - Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

2010-07-02T23:55:00.003+08:00

Less than 5 minutes remaining in my teenage life, according to GMT +8. But if I were counting from the time zone in which I was born, my teenage years would already be over.

I shall now curl up and die before my soul gets sucked away from me completely. :]

2010-06-30T23:50:00.002+08:00

Someone on TV just said "Amy likes to have a good time wherever she goes," but doesn't everyone? Who likes to have a bad time? And even if they liked having a bad time, wouldn't they be having a good time if they had a bad time?

Oh, my God, I am so irritable right now.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *Bites off chicken head.

2010-06-28T16:04:00.001+08:00

Feeling: Shocked
Listening to: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes

Bright Eyes are on the radio! It is amazing.

2010-06-25T00:01:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I last said something about my loving grandmother, and during the short time I've been back in Brunei, she's ordered me, on several accounts, to leave the house, all while her stick was shoved dangerously close to my face. Tonight, though, she threw her stick at me, and it would appear she is now extra determined to get me out.

I don't know why she hates me so much.

2010-06-24T14:34:00.004+08:00

"It is the very nature of this world that all things are devoured and time is a mouth as bloody as any other." - The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice

2010-06-21T12:24:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Obsessed
Listening to: Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox

A lot has happened since my last post, but I'll tell you one thing for sure - I'm now safely in the self-proclaimed Abode of Peace.

I was going to make a list of all the things the United States allowed me to experience, and maybe I'll actually do it, but for now, let me talk about my rekindled obsession with unusual but cool piercings, and how I have a strange anxiety making me want to get them.

So... uhh.

Once, I had the rarest rose that ever deemed to bloom. Cruel winter chilled the bud and stole my flower too soon. Oh, loneliness. Oh, hopelessness.

2010-05-09T16:18:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Groovy

fem·i·nism [fem-uh-niz-uhm]
–noun

the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

I am so sick of all the negative connotations people glue to feminism. Feminism is about equality. Why do you people make it seem so wrong to want equality?! If I haven't misjudged the fundamentals of a democratic society, everyone should be a feminist. Now, pull your head out of your ass, and stop portraying feminism as a female supremacy cult!

P.S. I miss my mum.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 1
Days remaining (c): 2

(a) History of Old Media essay
(b) History of Old Media project
(c) Media Activism and Social Change essay

2010-05-02T18:21:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Kaplonk

My arm feels weird. I think it's going to fall off.

*Sighs. The price I pay for immunity to Insert random disease here.

Sleepy, sleepy. Hehehehehegehegehe. *Snores.

Days remaining (a): 3
Days remaining (b): 4
Days remaining (c): 4
Days remaining (d): 8
Days remaining (e): 8
Days remaining (f): 9

(a) Mass Media and Society exam
(b) Communication and Persuasion essay
(c) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(d) History of Old Media essay
(e) History of Old Media project
(f) Media Activism and Social Change essay

2010-05-01T14:32:00.006+08:00

Feeling: Thoughtful

Is there any point in trying to be good?

Can you actually "be the change you want to see in the world"?

Is there nothing more you can do than think about yourself?

The hope I have for everything just keeps making me seem delusional.

And maybe I am.

The theory of congeniality tells me there is no point having a standing until it is challenged and you can fight for it.

But maybe some things shouldn't be fought for.

You are a small, tiny person, Sue-Anne. And the world is too messy and big. Get your head back on your shoulders where it belongs.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 5
Days remaining (d): 9
Days remaining (e): 9
Days remaining (f): 10

(a) Mass Media and Society exam
(b) Communication and Persuasion essay
(c) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(d) History of Old Media essay
(e) History of Old Media project
(f) Media Activism and Social Change essay

2010-04-27T01:40:00.004+08:00

Holy shit face, I am running out of time!

There is so much to doooooooooooooooooo.

And I am a lazy coooooooooooooooooooow.

(I have never had so many countdowns going at once. Exciting!)

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 9
Days remaining (c): 10
Days remaining (d): 10
Days remaining (e): 14
Days remaining (f): 14
Days remaining (g): 15

(a) Communication and Persuasion exam
(b) Mass Media and Society exam
(c) Communication and Persuasion essay
(d) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(e) History of Old Media essay
(f) History of Old Media project
(g) Media Activism and Social Change essay

2010-04-19T13:53:00.002+08:00

Listening to: All That He Wants by Kill Hannah

There is something strange in the air tonight and I cannot decide what it means.

Maybe it means nothing.

Maybe it means...

EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Shrieks. Then, *faints dramatically.

2010-04-19T12:51:00.001+08:00

Feeling: Dumb

I'm on to you. *Gives snake eyes.

2010-04-11T13:52:00.003+08:00

Feeling: Sick

This is disturbing:

And I have to agree with click:

Regardless of whether this incident was an accident, human error or a huge screw up, the most appalling part of the video is the bloodlust the soldiers have. Their anticipation and hope that the reporter crawling away would pick up a weapon so they could shoot him is absolutely disgusting.”All you gotta do is pick up a weapon.” When the van pulled up, they couldn’t wait to get approval to shoot it up. Killing people should never be celebrated. War is hell folks and there’s a lot of crazy people on our side.

2010-04-10T10:46:00.002+08:00

So, I have adopted some beautiful creatures, and they answer to the names Zeus, Swish, Swash, Ducky and Littlefoot (I'm not sure if I made that up).

I suddenly feel like I am running out of time, and I don't know what to do.

I also wish I could write more meaningful and/or worthwhile entries.

It seems unfair.

2010-03-25T05:01:00.004+08:00

Feeling: Unaccomplished

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" goes Mr. Dinosaur, unsure of what he really means. He would like to go outside and sit in the sun or roll on the grass, but he is trapped in this glass cage, purring ferociously in the hopes that he may scare someone enough to let him out. But people just pierce him with funny looks and go on with their day, unaware of the pain they cause him. Mr. Dinosaur can only watch them as they skip around and play with the squirrels in the trees, jealous that it's not him. "One day," he says to himself as he goes to sleep for the fifteenth time today. "One day," he says to himself as he shuts his eyes slightly too tightly and lets them roll into the back of his head.